I am able to emulate an emotional attraction very well so it seems that i am devoted to this person. But I keep going with them because they benefit me in some way. I can’t help but mirror people. I go out and strangers talk to me and I don’t want to talk to them at all, yet i uncontrollably speak back to them.
I am disconnected to material things when I am angry, then I don’t care much for whatever is in front of me. I am an artist, so if I get angry at my drawing, i will rip it and start again, or give up. Sometimes this leads to meltdowns and i cry, and insult myself for being so worthless, a shitty artist, I’ll never get better blah blah. Then I see someone else’s drawing that sucks and i brag about how much better I am than them.
Money and status drive me. I am constantly daydreaming about what kind of house my husband and I will buy. How my family will beg and plead with me to give them money and how i will tell them to fuck off. How much money we’ll be making, how many dogs and kids we’ll have. My husband also has ASPD.
I am never actually happy, just joyful. Things that bring me joy are new art supplies, clothes (love to splurge on clothes), food and lots of it since I have a binge eating disorder co morbid with my BPD, drugs and sex.