I wasn’t really a wild child, but when I fell for that man nearing his thirties, nothing would have prevented me to get some love from my love interest. He was even hesitant for a while. I wasn’t telling anyone where I was going nor who was my presumed boyfriend it was obvious I was going out to see.

When I realized I was pregnant, I couldn’t admit to my parents that he was the father. I’d be disowned forever, or at least I thought so. I told them that the “boy” ghosted me and I probably didn’t even have his real name. I wanted to keep the child, and I was pretty sure my parents preferred, after it’s too late and I’m pregnant, that I keep it and to meet their grandchild.

Not telling my parents meant not telling anyone. The father himself, I told him I cheated on him. I thought he’d probably forgive me, which he did. As I was going to be a teen mom living at her parents’, and he thought it wasn’t of his own child, he felt less attached to me and he took a new job that sent him away. We stayed in contact, admitting that we were in love, but not calling it a relationship.

He was regardless very protective of me, more than my parents were. He was saying that he still wanted that my child and me had the best life we could pursue, and he was sending a lot of money so I can rent a nice house, hire sitters, get a degree, and still put food on the table.

A decade later he moved back in the vicinity of where I was raising my daughter. I had started a quiet career working from home to be very present in my daughter’s life but not completely living closeted. I was happy to see him again (he was financing my and my daughter’s life a lot too, after all), and we became again occasional lovers. I got my daughter to meet him, introducing him as a family friend which was what everyone thought.

Time passing, I lost a lot of libido, and while he and I still admit to each other that we love each other, we can’t really say that we’re lovers. As a lot of my screwups were motivated by me not wanting to lose my parents for it, when questions came I told my daughter that I wouldn’t really have a problem if she dates an older man, as long as it’s not being a mistress and he’s good enough that I can meet him.

….. Aaaaaand what else was going to happen? Growing up some more, my daughter finally came to me, to explain me that she was feeling really attracted to my “guy friend”. Who she doesn’t know is her father.

She’s the real victim of course. But now I have to tell her and face everything that comes. Fuck my life.