Hi, hello to anyone who is reading this, i never thought i would make a post on r/confession, first of all, english is not my first language and i never had real lessons of english, so if write something wrong, im sorry.
So… As a kid i never played outside, my mom was very protective and never and never let me play outside, so i never had good social skills outside school, the only fun i had was either playing with my toys or watching my older brother play games on the computer, it was magical seeing him browsed on the web, and how he was good on the games he played, i guess i had 5/6 years in that time, it was fun to watch him play and made me want to be like him. Fast forward to 7/8 years old, i could finally use the computer, my brother taught me how to use it (by that i mean how to play games in offline and how to search flash games) and i was happy, i could finally do what my brother did, i created a facebook account with my brother help and everything was great, until i got older. With 9 years i was kinda of a bad kid online, i created female fake accounts, i dont why, i didnt even understood what catfishing was, i never used other persons photos to fake that i was that person, i just said i was female because i liked the persona of a cute girl.
One time, browsing to the internet i found about a fanfiction site, where i could write about anything i could, so once again, i created an account and started making cringe fanfics, it was fun to write, and i was like that for some months, but everything started going downhill when i made friends, i said i was girl to them, i dont why and i really regret it, i lied about my age, birthday, everything basically expect my stories, by that time i had 10 years old and i was happy, having friends was fun, we made a discord server, 8 members on it, it happend some drama for the past time and it endend with most of the people leaving, leaving me, a girl and her sister left. By that point i had 10/11 years, i now understood that what i was doing was wrong, and i felt bad for lying to them, and i really wanted to tell them that i was a boy. But i couldnt do it, i was scared, so i said nothing, and now i am stuck with this, i have 12 years lying about who i am, with a fake identity, fake twitter that i created to make everything more belivable, i hate myself for doing this and i want to punch my younger self, i have 3 years of friendship, lying about who i am, i wanna tell them who i really am, but i cant bring to do it, im scared what is going to happen to our friendship if i told them, i feel bad, sometimes i dont want to talk to them because of this, they are such good people, they dont deserve me. I dont know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading.