Being a narcissist is mostly just my inability to ever admit something is my fault. i have a very hard time taking responsibility for my own actions. i subconsciously make excuses for myself and everything i do; if i ever feel worthless or anything like that it’s by my own doing and usually is a result of my BDP. oh i can also admit that people are better at certain things than me or that there are a lot of people who are more attractive than me, but i can’t think of a whole lot of people who are “above” me. i have a tendency to just think a lot of people are pieces of shit in their own way, or they’re pussies, or i’ll just find something about someone that just makes me feel dominant over them.
now the BDP, this is where things get tricky. i show a lot stronger signs of BDP and i think that plays a large role in my narcissism. i feed off the praise i get from people, i have reoccurring thoughts of suicide on a daily basis for mostly no reason other than escaping responsibilities unless i’m really upset about something which is semi rare (i will never act on these thoughts and me saying this isn’t for pity). i can’t go more than 1 week without seeing my friends or else i’ll have legitimate withdrawal. whenever i hang out with people i will subconsciously act like them to a certain degree and if i hang out with a group of friends for a long time i will have semi permanent personality traits from those friends. whoever i see as my best friend/S.O. is who i become the most and will pick up the most personality traits from, this is commonly referred to as ones “Favorite person” or FP for short. i’ve had a lot of different FP’s in my life and each one turns me into a completely different person. one of my prior FP’s made me very social and it helped me gain a lot of popularity and social skills at the time until it switched again, Another one of my FP’s made me very lazy and kind of a hard ass to everyone i met. my most recent FP was a legitimate sociopath and i would pick up very bad traits from him like sadism and it also made my narcissism skyrocket, i think i still have some traits from him going on rn but i’m sorta between FPs so i’m in a really weird limbo state. my final FP was my ex who was actually able to completely change my political views until she stopped being my FP which is kinda crazy imo. also apart of having my BDP makes me very reckless and i will do dumb shit like drugs that could really fuck with me and i’m very witty with sarcastic responses which is apparently a sign of it but i think i just get that from my dad
I have not been formally diagnosed due to the fact that i’m still under my parents insurance and they will not allow me to see a counselor or psych for my problems because my mom firmly believes that “if you speak it into existence it will happen” i guess this rule applies to personality disorders or something. she actually has BDP (it’s confirmed) and when i first heard that i did a lot of research on it (i love psychology) and as it turns out it’s genetic and then that’s when i looked up symptoms and what not and then i realized why i feel the way i do all the time and what not. i never feel like i’m truly my own person but it doesn’t really bother me unless i think about it very deeply. also my mom is prescribed xanax and i took one of those and it made me into a very functional and social person and i really want to get diagnosed soon so i can become a more functional person
finally…. imma have to go with cheeseburgers because i’ve had so much pizza recently. btw you asked some really good questions, sorry for the long ass response haha